Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i will never coherently bang her
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
