sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
