We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
not ubering you a puppy
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
