the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
