is your mom at the bar?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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