you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Randomize
