She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
