1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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