when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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