Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
