im having a threesome with these popsicles
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
