phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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