I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
