Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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