Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
