When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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