I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
