Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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