dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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