3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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