1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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