Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
