I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
