When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
