Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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