I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
