have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
