It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
