and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
