Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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