she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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