Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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