I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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