you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Also, beer. Big fan.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
