In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
