Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
