dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
