theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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