apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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