just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
