Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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