I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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