When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
