Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
