I'm lost and stupid without you.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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