Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Randomize
