It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
