The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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