You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
