I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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