just come out here and I will go home with you...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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