I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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